Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

and I am just not even sure how to react

My emotions are all over the place right now.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.

My husband recently packed up his huge tote that he takes on deployment.  This tote that sits about 2 1/2 feet tall, by 3 feet long, by 2 1/2 feet deep.  It has been in our playroom since he got it back 11 months ago.  It made me crazy taking up all that room in the playroom.  Now that it is gone, every time I look at that empty space I cry.

I look at my children, I cry.  I look at our Christmas tree (my husband will miss next Christmas) I cry.

I am tired of this life.  I am tired of deployments. I am tired of my husband being gone more then he is home.  I am tired of buying gifts for my children and wondering what next year will be like when my husband is not with us.  What will we do?  We will hold off shopping?  Will we celebrate when he gets home?  Do we even wait that long?

I think about Kim turning 15 this year.  She can drive a car in the state of TN at 15!  Only her learners, but she can.  Jim will be home for about 3 days of her driving, that is it.  When she turns the big 16 and goes to get her licence, he will be gone.  She will pull away in a car for the first time, and he will not be here.  Another big event he will miss.  Another first for us and he will not be here!

When Kloe starts her first day of school in the fall, Jim will miss it. He missed Kinsley's first day as well.

All I can think about is all that he is going to miss......again!  We didn't get to spend his birthday with him last year.  We didn't get to spend it with him this year.  We will not get to spend it with him again next year.

My mind is not shutting off. 

My kids sacrifice so much because of his job.  We as a family sacrifice so much.  We sacrifice family time.  We give up ever being able to live near family.  There are no sleepovers with Grandparents, or Sunday night dinners.  There are so visits with cousins, and there are no Holiday's spent together.    There is no help when we need a sitter, and there is no one to call on when Jim is away and something breaks.  We are left at the mercy of the overpriced repair people that LOVE military families because we have no choice but to pay their overpriced repair prices because we are alone.  We sacrifice having nice things, and "making-do" because military pay sucks!  My education may suffer because I no longer have a sitter for my children once my husband deploys, and thanks to crummy pay, I can't afford to pay one.

I am sick of it.  I am sick of deployments, I am sick of this life.  I want to quit!  I want to bury myself in a hole and never come out.  Put a fork in me, I am done!

Neglecting this blog

I have been neglecting this blog the last few days because to be honest, I am in the " I hate the Army mode". I didn't feel that I was in a state of mind to be blogging because I might write something that I don't care to "put out there".  I would hate to write something that I would later regret.

Jim has been working insane hours since he got home.  It's one of those, if I didn't see you in my bed I would think that you were not even here situations.  While I understand that they have things that they need to do to prepare for deployment, I feel that they also need to remember that there are families that just went one month without a Dad, and now you are taking him away again.  :::::BLAH:::::::

Monday started out with brifings all day.  He left for work, didn't come home for lunch, didn't get any phone calls (I am sure he didn't want to call and hear the heartbroken voices on the other end of the line) but I did get a few very annoying texts.  He finally came home that evening.  Yesterday I got a phone call at 12:00 p.m.  He is usually home by then.  It was Jim saying "oh wow I just saw what time it is when I got in my car, guess I can't make it home for lunch" .  Did you all hear that rumble around noon????  That was my eyes rolling in annoyance. I asked him when he would be home, he said that he hoped by 4:00.  4:00 rolls around, no Jim.  4:40, no Jim.  5:00 I finally called him.  He was doing paperwork and couldn't leav "anytime soon".  I informed him that I was feeding the kids but that I was going to school early to do homework with no distractions, and that he was on his own with the kids tonight in case he forgot.  Ok Cindy, I hope to be done in an hour.  I called at 6:30 because I had asked him if he would stop by my school on his way home, and I wanted to remind him.  No answer.  A few min later I got a text letting me know he was still working ::::sigh::::::: followed by a phone call just to "talk really fast".

I got home from class early last night around 9:00.  He informed me that he didn't leave work until almost 8:00 and he had to be into work at 5 am!  Seriously?  Yep, and I am not sure if I will be coming home we have more paperwork.  He then informs me that they are only allowed 15 days leave before he deploys.  15 days!  For those of you that do not know, that is not 3 weeks, that is 2 weeks one day because our "days" also count the weekends.  Sorry buddy you are leaving for another 14 months, we will NOT pay you the extra pay for every day over 365 days you will be gone, and we are only going to allow you 15 days with your family :::sigh::::::

So today, the Army is on my personal "naughty list" for the holiday's.

They really couldn't wait another week?

My husband returned home Tuesday night.  The excitement of him being home was very short lived.  He was supposed to have off on Wednesday, but they were told they all had to work.  Reason being is that they had to do stuff to prepare for deployment!  He was supposed to have to off work today (Thursday) but he was told he had to have his dufffle bag packed and in the container for deployment.

I am heartbroken.  I really am.  He was just gone for a month.  He was not even home for 15 hours before he was back at work preparing to leave again.  Couldn't they wait a week????? 

How much is the life a soldier worth?

Military.com is reporting that our president is trying to halt all military pay raises and up Tricare fees due to tough economic times.  Now while I understand that our country is in a HUGE financial crisis, halting pay raises, and increasing Tricare fees at a time where military deaths are at an all time high for this war seems hugely disrespectful.  The president is also proposing that soldiers not be able to collect on retirement until age 60.  This leaves soldiers forced to stay in the military, cause more strain on their body physically and emotionally, and leaves families that are already suffering from the strain of deployment to suffer even more.  If soldiers are suffering now, can you imagine the strain after 44 years?  Most soldiers won't live to age 60 because of the strain on their body from all of the stress.

So I ask this, what is a soldier worth?  What is their life worth?  What is their family worth?   Studies have shown that the wife and children suffer almost as much stress mentally as the the soldier.

So I ask you, what is the life of a soldier worth?

Bring Him Home Santa

Please remember our troops this holiday season that are without family, and those children without a Dad.

Worth Reposting, over and over and over

I got this sent to me by a friend and I have to say, this is one of the best that I have read yet. 

Things you should never say to a Military Spouse

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"


(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)



2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."

(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been

dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)



3. "At least he's not in Iraq."

(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf?



4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"

(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.)



5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"

(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.)



6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"

(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.)



7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."

(We do learn coping skills. We figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)



8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."

(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 6-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, and he flew comfortably on a commercial plane. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a crappy Hyundai Excel with a Mercedes convertible.)



9. "Wow you must miss him?"

(This one also gets antoher big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they're now divorced.)



10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"

(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.)



11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there.

(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)



12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!"

(hmmm, no i don't miss sex. i'm a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)



13. "Well in my opinion….."

(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we're trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)



Last, but not least….



14. "OH, that's horrible…I'm so sorry!"

(He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our MARINES/soldiers/airmen/coasties/sailors fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)

I did it! I can't believe I did it, but I did.

There are only a few things in life that freak me out.  I am not afraid of spiders, I am not scared of clowns, but I hate hate hate mice.

I have three fears during deployment, the first is obvious.  My husband being injured or killed.  The second is getting sick.  Not just getting sick, but throwing up.  I have a condition that when I start throwing up, I can not stop. I always seem to get sick at night, and I have to be taken to the ER, get an IV, and get meds.  If I were to get sick with Jim gone, how would I get to the ER??? Who would I even call for help?

The final thing that freaks me out is mice.  Ugh just typing that word freaks me out!  I mean BAD.  I can't even hold hamsters because they resemble mice too much.

Unfortunately, about a week before my husband left, Katelyn said that she thought that she saw a mouse downstairs one night.  She thought that it could have been a shadow, but she was just not sure.  I kind of blew it off, and forgot about it until the night before Jim left.  I couldn't sleep, so I was downstairs doing homework, and I saw it.  I saw a mouse run across the floor!  UGH UGH UGH!  Nothing I could do about it, it was 2 am, but Oh-My-God!  I quickly ran upstairs leaving lights and the TV on.  I didn't want to wake Jim. 

That day after the sun came up, I went and got the traps that the mice go inside and it closes and you never have to look at the dead mouse.  I set them, and nothing.  Nothing in either of them.  I set them, and reset them, and reset them, nothing.  I thought maybe that mouse made it's way out of my house?  Then, a few nights ago I was down here after I got home from school and what do I see, but a mouse sticking it's head out from under my stove.  I FREAKED!  What was I going to do?  When it went away I went and grabbed a trap from my living room and put it in front of the stove.  Next thing I knew the mouse was running across the kitchen floor!  EEEEEKKKKKKKK!  I screamed and it ran away.  Holy cow!  I mean really?

Now the only time I was seeing this mouse was at night.  I was hoping one day I would catch it, but no such luck.  Then today, while I was doing homework I heard noises from behind my TV in the living room and behind the couch, crap!  At this point I decided that those mouse traps that I spent $5 for two them were not going to work, but dang it, I don't want to see a dead mouse.

I sucked things up, headed to Wal Mart, and bought snap traps.  Ugh, was I really buying these things?  I got home, and was trying to read the directions on how to set them.  I finally got it figured out, so I set three.  One by the kitchen stove, one by the TV, and one by the desk.  All places that I had heard the mouse.  I figured this way I was covering all my bases.  I was freaked out, but Jim was not home, and how the heck was I going to deal with a mouse if I didn't set the traps?  Although, I am not sure what is worse, dealing with a dead mouse, or a live one.  They are  both pretty equal in OMG factor for me.

So, I set the traps, and headed outside to to greet my big kids that were just getting home.  I was outside for about 20 min when I came back in to finish dinner, I noticed the trap that was next to the stove was upside down, and OMG it had the mouse!  I am chicken, so I had Kaden put on gloves, and grab it while I held the bag open and looked away.  UGH UGH UGH!  Seriously I am not kidding, ugh.  20 minutes and I had the mouse!  Then I headed to the living room, and OMG the trap by the desk had a mouse.  Holy crap!  2 in 20 minutes??????  By this point I am starting to freak the heck out.  I look over, and OMG, the third trap has a third mouse.  Seriously????? I mean really?????  People set traps all the time and it takes days.  Me, three in 20 minutes, that is NOT a good sign. I am freaking at this point.  Kaden was so awesome, and put all of the mice in a bag while collecting them with a glove.  I went ahead and set the 4th trap and prayed!  I fed my kids dinner, and ran to the store for 8 more traps.  I vowed to set them all but decided that was a bad idea.  I decided that if I set 9 traps (one left from the first pack) and they all had mice that I was going to have a panic attack.  Seriously, I might move out.  So, I set 5.  So far, not one single one has a mouse.  Please pray for me that I don't wake up to anymore.  I accomplished something huge by even setting the traps, please let this be an easy fix.

It's amazing thought what one can accomplish when they are forced to though.  I mean, what other options did I have? 

I did it, I set the traps, I caught the mice, life can no move on.  Well hopefully assuming that they are not all filled with mice in the morning.  Say a prayer for me, I am going to need it.

Thank a Veteran and remember ALL who serve

Today on this Veterans Day, just like last year while a good portion of the country has the day off, my husband will be sacrificing again for his country.  Last year during this time he was still on his mission of deployment.  This year my husband is away training.  Seems kind of backwards that he the Veteran is working today while so many enjoy the day off. 

I went into sort of a rant on my other blog about how he is again sacrificing, while so many people consider this a "Free Day Off".  To my husband, no day is a Free day off.  I will save you all from that rant, but I do ask that you please do something today on your day off to honor a Veteran.  Weather you buy a new flag, buy a solider a drink, pay for his meal, or even just say thank you.  Please do something to honor this day.  Please say thank you  to not only a soldier, but the family that supports him.  Please support not only our troops, but the child and the wife that sacrifice as well.

Remember all the lives that have been lost due to war. Remembering all those that give their all.  Remember those families left behind.


******Edited to Add What it is like for our family to deal with Deployment.  This footage was shot when my husband returned home less then a year ago!


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Two years ago

The deployment depression is starting to set in.  With my husband away right now, it is a sneak peak of what life is going to be like for another 14 months without him.  Since we have done this before I thought that it would be easier.  I thought that since I know what to expect that it would make good-bye alot less stressful since I will not be dealing with the unknown.  I wrong WRONG!

Because I know what deployment is like, I am terrified.  Not only for my husbands security, but because I know what my state of mind was like the last deployment. I know how hard it was to need a break, and there was no family to helw hard it.  Doing it alone is not easy.  I know that things will go wrong, and I know that I not handle all of it with a big smile and bells.

I have played out over and over in my mind if there was a way to prepare for all of the things that can and will go wrong.  If I can just play out all the scenarios enough times in my head, maybe when they happen they won't be so bad?  Maybe I can find a way to deal before it happens?  That also comes with it's downfalls because then you become paranoid of all those things.  Anticipate them happening because most likely they will, it is only a matter of time, right?

I have thought long and hard about things that would make this deployment easier.  Things that might help me, or other spouses along the way.  I have started a list.  A list of things that would help.  Some that I plan to take to the Army, others that family and good friends can do if they choose.

The first is meals and gift cards.  While I obviously don't expect meals and gift cards for 14 months, not having to cook even one night is a treat for me during deployment.  Some days you do not even want to get out of bed, much less cook dinner.  Cooking for my broad of 6 is alot of work.  Gift cards or meals that I can keep in the freezer to help me on those days would be awesome.

Another is a cleaning lady.  I have found someone that is local and not with a service so she is cheaper then say Merry Maids, and she does alot more.  Keeping my house clean while Jim is gone is very important to me.  I know it sounds silly, but I know that should something happen to my husband, it would be on the day that my house was trashed.  I know I know, keeping the house clean won't keep my husband alive, but it helps my sanity OK.  If a family member would like to help, $50 for a day of cleaning would be amazing to me!    That one day would give me a week of sanity.  Not having to scrub toilets, mop floors, dust!

The gift of not saying" I understand" because they don't.  My MIL is famous for saying that she understands what it is like to do it alone because my Father in law was gone alot for business alot when the kids were little.  I can tell you right now, this is the WORST thing that you can say to a spouse, EVER.  You do not understand.  You can't possibly "get it".  So, don't say it! 

The gift of just listening.  Should it be a 3 PM, or 4 AM.  If I need to cry, and I am scared, just being there.

I  have many more ideas, and I will post more later.  This is it for now.  I have to get it together and get my kids on the school bus (which is hopefully not late again today).

Free for Veterans

Celebrate Veterans Day with free food and  discounts.

http://www.military.com/veterans-day/veterans-day-discounts.html

Because we know it will happen



and I just blogged about this,  I got up this morning to no heat!  Well technically the heat was running, but it was not warming my house.  UGH!  The coldest night so far of the season (and totally not normal for this time of year) it was 22 degrees outside.  It was 61then and it then got down to 59.  I wanted to cry.  I am not a cold kind of person.  Sadly the fireplace has yet to be cleaned, and we have almost no wood.  I decided to bring out my oil radiator, heat the livingroom that way, and decided that if we all had to sleep down here until my hubby made it back from training that is the way we would have to do it.  I refuse to call someone since my water leak last ygoear that ended up costing me a total of $900. 

So, after avoiding the heat issue all day, I decided to have a look at it.  I opened up the furnace area, and shut off the power.  Come to find out there was a loose wire.  I reconnected that, and as far as I know, it worked.  My house had warmed up thanks to the weather and the radiator, so I had to jack up the heat to test it out.  My house got up to 74, so I am praying that it was thanks to the heat working and not the radiator and the kitchen because I was cooking at the time.

So, I made it through (hopefully).  The test will be tonight while we sleep.  Hopefully I won't wake up to alot of cold air in my house again!

Bad days and good days

There is no way around it.  When the husband is gone, he bad days hit.  Of course we will have good days too, but it's like there is some kind of cosmic law that states that when the husband is away, they bad stuff will come into play.

Every time my husband leaves, we usually have some kind of drama in my house.  Someone ALWAYS gets hurt.  One time my husband left for 5 days, and my son fell out of bed, hit his head on the side table, and ended up with a huge goose egg.  Another time my husband was gone for a week, and my daughter closed my sons fingers in the van door.  Another time, my daughter fell getting off the bus, and ended up with our first set of stitches for our family.  When my husband was gone in May, my son and daughter switched beds without me knowing.  My daughter then fell off that top bunk in the middle of the night (did I mention she never falls out of bed) and broke her writs (another first for our family).  It never ends.  This time, my daughter stepped on a nail :::sigh::::::.  All of these of course involve a different child each time.

So, knowing that something will happen while the hubby is away, I have to wonder, how to prepare.  Do you hold your breath and pray that this time nothing will happen, or do you  prepare by staying in the mindset of something can and will happen, so we just have to take it in stride?

I am at the point that as long as it is something I can handle I am OK.  If it is something that I can't, and it is going to cost me alot of money, I panic.  I won't lie.  I usually have a breakdown.

So, how do you handle deployment woes?  Do you take it in stride, or freak out?

Welcome

Welcome to "The Secret Life of the Army wife".  I decided to start this blog so that I wouldn't clog up my family blog with all of my Army mumbo jumbo.  There are so many things that I want to include, but I leave out because it is all Army related.
I hope that you  enjoy the info that I am able to pass on, get a few laughs, and are able to find some support.