and I am just not even sure how to react

My emotions are all over the place right now.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.

My husband recently packed up his huge tote that he takes on deployment.  This tote that sits about 2 1/2 feet tall, by 3 feet long, by 2 1/2 feet deep.  It has been in our playroom since he got it back 11 months ago.  It made me crazy taking up all that room in the playroom.  Now that it is gone, every time I look at that empty space I cry.

I look at my children, I cry.  I look at our Christmas tree (my husband will miss next Christmas) I cry.

I am tired of this life.  I am tired of deployments. I am tired of my husband being gone more then he is home.  I am tired of buying gifts for my children and wondering what next year will be like when my husband is not with us.  What will we do?  We will hold off shopping?  Will we celebrate when he gets home?  Do we even wait that long?

I think about Kim turning 15 this year.  She can drive a car in the state of TN at 15!  Only her learners, but she can.  Jim will be home for about 3 days of her driving, that is it.  When she turns the big 16 and goes to get her licence, he will be gone.  She will pull away in a car for the first time, and he will not be here.  Another big event he will miss.  Another first for us and he will not be here!

When Kloe starts her first day of school in the fall, Jim will miss it. He missed Kinsley's first day as well.

All I can think about is all that he is going to miss......again!  We didn't get to spend his birthday with him last year.  We didn't get to spend it with him this year.  We will not get to spend it with him again next year.

My mind is not shutting off. 

My kids sacrifice so much because of his job.  We as a family sacrifice so much.  We sacrifice family time.  We give up ever being able to live near family.  There are no sleepovers with Grandparents, or Sunday night dinners.  There are so visits with cousins, and there are no Holiday's spent together.    There is no help when we need a sitter, and there is no one to call on when Jim is away and something breaks.  We are left at the mercy of the overpriced repair people that LOVE military families because we have no choice but to pay their overpriced repair prices because we are alone.  We sacrifice having nice things, and "making-do" because military pay sucks!  My education may suffer because I no longer have a sitter for my children once my husband deploys, and thanks to crummy pay, I can't afford to pay one.

I am sick of it.  I am sick of deployments, I am sick of this life.  I want to quit!  I want to bury myself in a hole and never come out.  Put a fork in me, I am done!