Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

and I am just not even sure how to react

My emotions are all over the place right now.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.

My husband recently packed up his huge tote that he takes on deployment.  This tote that sits about 2 1/2 feet tall, by 3 feet long, by 2 1/2 feet deep.  It has been in our playroom since he got it back 11 months ago.  It made me crazy taking up all that room in the playroom.  Now that it is gone, every time I look at that empty space I cry.

I look at my children, I cry.  I look at our Christmas tree (my husband will miss next Christmas) I cry.

I am tired of this life.  I am tired of deployments. I am tired of my husband being gone more then he is home.  I am tired of buying gifts for my children and wondering what next year will be like when my husband is not with us.  What will we do?  We will hold off shopping?  Will we celebrate when he gets home?  Do we even wait that long?

I think about Kim turning 15 this year.  She can drive a car in the state of TN at 15!  Only her learners, but she can.  Jim will be home for about 3 days of her driving, that is it.  When she turns the big 16 and goes to get her licence, he will be gone.  She will pull away in a car for the first time, and he will not be here.  Another big event he will miss.  Another first for us and he will not be here!

When Kloe starts her first day of school in the fall, Jim will miss it. He missed Kinsley's first day as well.

All I can think about is all that he is going to miss......again!  We didn't get to spend his birthday with him last year.  We didn't get to spend it with him this year.  We will not get to spend it with him again next year.

My mind is not shutting off. 

My kids sacrifice so much because of his job.  We as a family sacrifice so much.  We sacrifice family time.  We give up ever being able to live near family.  There are no sleepovers with Grandparents, or Sunday night dinners.  There are so visits with cousins, and there are no Holiday's spent together.    There is no help when we need a sitter, and there is no one to call on when Jim is away and something breaks.  We are left at the mercy of the overpriced repair people that LOVE military families because we have no choice but to pay their overpriced repair prices because we are alone.  We sacrifice having nice things, and "making-do" because military pay sucks!  My education may suffer because I no longer have a sitter for my children once my husband deploys, and thanks to crummy pay, I can't afford to pay one.

I am sick of it.  I am sick of deployments, I am sick of this life.  I want to quit!  I want to bury myself in a hole and never come out.  Put a fork in me, I am done!

Neglecting this blog

I have been neglecting this blog the last few days because to be honest, I am in the " I hate the Army mode". I didn't feel that I was in a state of mind to be blogging because I might write something that I don't care to "put out there".  I would hate to write something that I would later regret.

Jim has been working insane hours since he got home.  It's one of those, if I didn't see you in my bed I would think that you were not even here situations.  While I understand that they have things that they need to do to prepare for deployment, I feel that they also need to remember that there are families that just went one month without a Dad, and now you are taking him away again.  :::::BLAH:::::::

Monday started out with brifings all day.  He left for work, didn't come home for lunch, didn't get any phone calls (I am sure he didn't want to call and hear the heartbroken voices on the other end of the line) but I did get a few very annoying texts.  He finally came home that evening.  Yesterday I got a phone call at 12:00 p.m.  He is usually home by then.  It was Jim saying "oh wow I just saw what time it is when I got in my car, guess I can't make it home for lunch" .  Did you all hear that rumble around noon????  That was my eyes rolling in annoyance. I asked him when he would be home, he said that he hoped by 4:00.  4:00 rolls around, no Jim.  4:40, no Jim.  5:00 I finally called him.  He was doing paperwork and couldn't leav "anytime soon".  I informed him that I was feeding the kids but that I was going to school early to do homework with no distractions, and that he was on his own with the kids tonight in case he forgot.  Ok Cindy, I hope to be done in an hour.  I called at 6:30 because I had asked him if he would stop by my school on his way home, and I wanted to remind him.  No answer.  A few min later I got a text letting me know he was still working ::::sigh::::::: followed by a phone call just to "talk really fast".

I got home from class early last night around 9:00.  He informed me that he didn't leave work until almost 8:00 and he had to be into work at 5 am!  Seriously?  Yep, and I am not sure if I will be coming home we have more paperwork.  He then informs me that they are only allowed 15 days leave before he deploys.  15 days!  For those of you that do not know, that is not 3 weeks, that is 2 weeks one day because our "days" also count the weekends.  Sorry buddy you are leaving for another 14 months, we will NOT pay you the extra pay for every day over 365 days you will be gone, and we are only going to allow you 15 days with your family :::sigh::::::

So today, the Army is on my personal "naughty list" for the holiday's.

They really couldn't wait another week?

My husband returned home Tuesday night.  The excitement of him being home was very short lived.  He was supposed to have off on Wednesday, but they were told they all had to work.  Reason being is that they had to do stuff to prepare for deployment!  He was supposed to have to off work today (Thursday) but he was told he had to have his dufffle bag packed and in the container for deployment.

I am heartbroken.  I really am.  He was just gone for a month.  He was not even home for 15 hours before he was back at work preparing to leave again.  Couldn't they wait a week????? 

How much is the life a soldier worth?

Military.com is reporting that our president is trying to halt all military pay raises and up Tricare fees due to tough economic times.  Now while I understand that our country is in a HUGE financial crisis, halting pay raises, and increasing Tricare fees at a time where military deaths are at an all time high for this war seems hugely disrespectful.  The president is also proposing that soldiers not be able to collect on retirement until age 60.  This leaves soldiers forced to stay in the military, cause more strain on their body physically and emotionally, and leaves families that are already suffering from the strain of deployment to suffer even more.  If soldiers are suffering now, can you imagine the strain after 44 years?  Most soldiers won't live to age 60 because of the strain on their body from all of the stress.

So I ask this, what is a soldier worth?  What is their life worth?  What is their family worth?   Studies have shown that the wife and children suffer almost as much stress mentally as the the soldier.

So I ask you, what is the life of a soldier worth?

Bring Him Home Santa

Please remember our troops this holiday season that are without family, and those children without a Dad.

Worth Reposting, over and over and over

I got this sent to me by a friend and I have to say, this is one of the best that I have read yet. 

Things you should never say to a Military Spouse

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"


(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)



2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."

(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been

dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)



3. "At least he's not in Iraq."

(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf?



4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"

(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.)



5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"

(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.)



6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"

(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.)



7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."

(We do learn coping skills. We figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)



8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."

(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 6-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, and he flew comfortably on a commercial plane. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a crappy Hyundai Excel with a Mercedes convertible.)



9. "Wow you must miss him?"

(This one also gets antoher big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they're now divorced.)



10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"

(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.)



11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there.

(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)



12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!"

(hmmm, no i don't miss sex. i'm a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)



13. "Well in my opinion….."

(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we're trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)



Last, but not least….



14. "OH, that's horrible…I'm so sorry!"

(He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our MARINES/soldiers/airmen/coasties/sailors fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)